Relationships: Why Are Some Women Attracted To Abusive Men?

For some women out there, it can seem as though they have a sign on their forehead that says ”abusive men only”. And this is due to their experience of only attracting men who are abusive.

It may even go further than this and a woman could come to the conclusion that all men are the same. Here, not just one man or the men that she attracts will be seen as abusive, but every man on the planet.

But whether a woman has formed one of the views above or another one, it is unlikely to lead to a sense of hope or to a good outlook of the opposite sex. To attract a man who is respectful, loving and kind for instance, can seem like nothing more than a dream or good idea.

The Illusion

However, like any women who has been attracted to an abusive man will know; how they first appear is completely different to who they later become. This is like any other kind of trap that is used to entice someone or something. It has to be appealing and gratifying or it wouldn’t work.

And although this man could come across as being a certain way, there is going to many ways that this comes across. It could be that the man is: confident, self assured, funny, supportive, charming, kind or intelligent and many other ways.

Together these traits can be powerful, but just one of these traits can be enough to attract a women.

Emotional State

When it comes to the type of abuser that a woman will be attracted to, it can depend on where she is at emotionally. Even though different women can be attracted to different traits, the consequences are generally the same, with the end result being some kind of abuse

And while some women will have a certain emotional state their while life and for others this state can be the result of experiencing a loss or during a time of stress and pain.

So, by a women being vulnerable, either as a result of a recent occurrence or through her natural disposition, she will be drawn in by the abuser. And as they feel at a lower place in some way, it is then only natural for them to be attracted to a male that appears to posses that which they do not have.

Conscious And Unconscious

In the case of the woman who is feeling vulnerable or needy as a result of a recent occurrence, this is likely to be felt at a conscious level, but for the woman who has felt needy or vulnerable for most of her life, it could be fairly unconscious and rarely known consciously.

And this is where these two types of women are often different. If a women has felt vulnerable for most of her life, to be with an abusive male can feel normal. But, if a woman has only felt this way recently, then being with an abusive male may soon create discomfort.

This means that this type of women could soon leave the abuser, as it’s not what feels normal. Or it could mean that they will gradually get used to it over time and therefore put up with the abuse.

It’s Familiar

For women who have felt vulnerable their whole life, it may feel normal to be with a man that is abusive. And when it comes to women who haven’t felt this way their whole life, it is unlikely to feel normal.

This is not to say that they consciously feel this way, but at a deeper level it can feel familiar and therefore safe. And this can relate to how they were treated as a child; with these early experiences being mirrored in their interactions and relationships with men.

The Disconnection

As a result of these experiences happening a long time ago, it can lead to a kind of amnesia. But although the mind has forgotten about these early experiences, the body hasn’t. The kind of relationships that a woman is having with a man can then match these early experiences.

And yet through a women being cut off from those times, it can all seem random and as something that is happening to them, as opposed to something they are actively playing a part in.

The First Model

When it comes to how a women views a man and the kind of man that she feels comfortable with, the primary influence is the father. How she was treated by her father and how her father treated her mother will have a massive impact.

And regardless of whether this early behaviour was functional or dysfunctional, it will be what the ego mind formed as familiar and therefore safe. This is what can create conflict: a woman is not going to want to relive them, if the early experiences were dysfunctional or unhealthy.

But as the ego mind has associated these experiences as being what is familiar and safe; it will mean that they will continue to attract men who mirror these experiences in some way.

The Early Wound

This doesn’t mean that women had to have a father who was extremely abusive to attract a man who is abusive; it could be that these early experiences created an early wound and this lead to a tolerance for abuse. And over time, they gradually become more accepting of abuse.


In order to attract a man who is not abusive, it will be important to let go of what the ego mind has come to associate as familiar and therefore safe. This could mean that repressed emotions will also have to be released.

As these emotions are released, the type of man that a woman is attracted to will change. This process can be assisted with the help of a therapist, healer, trusted friend or a coach for example

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Richard J . Watson

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