Rebuilding trust after your spouse has had an affair is no small undertaking. If you have been victimized by an affair that your spouse had, you were lied to in some fashion, whether directly or by your spouse simply withholding information and being deceptive. Either way, once you learned of the affair, the trust that existed between the two of you clearly was broken.
If you are reading this article, there is a good chance that you have done a search to find out how to rebuild trust between you and your spouse after an affair, which means you have decided or are at least strongly considering saving your marriage. At this point, often there is a very legitimate question posed: “How do I know when my spouse is lying to me or not?”
Unfortunately, the answer is not necessarily 100% clear. There are people who’s professions train them to detect when someone is lying, and they know there are no foolproof methods to determine when someone is lying or not.
In light of that, perhaps there is a better question you may want to be asking yourself and that is this: “How will I know when it is time to begin trusting again?”
The answer to this question, quite frankly, can only be asked by you. Trust is lost in an instant, generally at the time you discover you have been betrayed. And to regain trust or rebuild it takes time. How long depends on you, and no-one, not even a professional, can determine how long that will take for you. It is a totally based on each individual.
First and foremost, your offending spouse must be 100% willing to regain your trust. The first step to this, of course, is to break off the affair and totally cut off communication from their paramour. In the beginning stages, you will find that there are some things that are basic that you clearly trust your spouse on. For example, he or she may say, “I am running down to the mailbox,” and you have no doubt as to their being genuine. However, they might say, “I am running late from work,” and you find yourself becoming suspicious, even though it is indeed the case.
When rebuilding trust after an affair, there are two things you may want to ask for:
1. Reassurance in Word
Request that your spouse to do what they say they are going to do, even if it may seem to be a bit trivial. If they say they are going to the store and will return home right after, then they should prove their word by doing exactly that – not stopping off anywhere else on the way.
Now, many cheaters may at first balk at this, thinking they are somehow being put under a microscope or are under some sort of house arrest. But quite frankly, that’s one of the repercussions of cheating, and at this point it is up to them to comply and rebuild the trust that they damaged.
2. Reassurance in Deed
The other type of reassurance you will want to request when rebuilding trust after an affair has to do with transparency. Ask your spouse for details pertaining to their lives and activities and expect them to be open and honest about whom they are associating with.
Many times these days, the computer is involved when it comes to affairs, particularly with the advent of social media. Ask your spouse to share their password with you so that you may check in from time to time until you feel comfortable that you can once again trust them.